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2015: No More, “I used to be able to…”


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It’s been quite the year. As 2014 comes to a close, I’ve decided to practice celebrating more of what I “can do” and focusing less on “what I can no longer do”. As I’m slowly regaining my physical strength and testing my new limits, I notice that I often say things like, “I used to be able to run six miles with ease.” Or, “I miss riding my bike.”  And, “I miss feeling strong.” As a matter of fact, if you have been reading my blog, you, too, have noticed this theme. Yes, I mourn the loss of painless intercourse and normal bowel function. Yes, I’m tired of getting tired easily. I know these feelings are normal. I know I am grieving. And, I’m “over it”.

2015 is about celebrating life and being alive.  This year is about what I CAN DO. And, it may not be what you think. I want 2015 to be less about accomplishments and more about gratefulness.

No more: I miss my long, thick, dark wavy hair.

More of: I have hair!

No more: I used to be strong evidenced by my lean body mass.

More of: I’m slowly regaining my strength.

No more: I miss getting my period, my cervix, my ovaries, my uterus, my breasts (to come off this summer). I miss feeling feminine.

More of: Feeling feminine is beyond my body. It’s what I make it.

No more: Looking forward to tomorrow.

More of: Live in the now.

No more: Feeling sad for myself.

More of: Feeling proud of myself.

Have I banished fear and sadness from my life? No. I just don’t want to live in it. And, I believe that ruminating about all of the loss of have experienced only reminds me of all of the loss I have experienced. So, here’s to 2015 whatever it may bring. Pretty sure I can handle it.

#cancer #coping #surviving

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