Fear Tastes Like….
Today marks exactly 11 months since I had the 7 hour debulking surgery to remove the ovarian cancer that had engulfed my abdominal cavity. Eleven months. Because I’m heading towards that one year anniversary, I have constant reminders flooding my senses about last year at this time. Anniversaries do that. We mark them, celebrate them, reflect upon them. I’ve been reflecting on the year that has passed and the life I have lived.
And, as much as I have grown to appreciate my life, I feel like I have have one foot in and one foot out, of life, that is. As soon as I could physically re-engage in the life I knew before cancer, I did and I did without abandon. And, here I am today, loving my work and my newfound wellness. And, I have a keen awareness that this may disappear in the blink of an eye. There are times when I find myself not wanting to feel “alive” again for fear that cancer will try to steal it away. I’m living with one foot in and one foot out.
Joy is sweet. Fear is bitter. Joy is energizing. Fear is paralyzing. Joy breeds optimism. Fear breeds pessimism. Joy embraces. Fear frightens. If we let it, fear will hijack our joy.
Funny, before my cancer diagnosis, I thought I was afraid to live. Now, I realize I’m not afraid to live. I’m afraid to lose all that I’ve come to love about my life. So, I choose to embrace joy. I’m going to take a big bite out of life and savor it’s sweetness for as long as I can….with both feet in.