I’m Not Angry. I Feel Lucky.
Me – 1 month before diagnosis
As I count down the days until I receive my last “front-line” chemo, I’ve been reflecting on this entire process from day of diagnosis up until present moment. One emotion I haven’t experienced is anger. Not saying I won’t feel angry in the future. I just haven’t felt any anger yet. Now, every other emotion humans claim to experience I have felt: shock, denial, fear, terror, deep sadness, anxiety, hopeless, and helplessness. Honestly, I wish I could muster up a little anger. It’s a very energizing emotion and can bring with it a “call to action”. I might not feel anger because I don’t feel like I was dealt a bad card as others have phrased my situation. I’m not feeling unlucky or that I must have bad luck to explain my getting cancer. What’s there to be angry about?
I wasn’t guaranteed to live a long, disease-free life. Were you? Therefore, I don’t feel like my life has been suddenly cut short. If anything I feel lucky. I’ve fallen in love, more than once. I’ve been in loving and fulfilling relationships, more than once. I’m in a loving and fulfilling relationship now. I’ve followed my heart, not my head when it comes to work. I’ve taken professional risks. I haven’t played it safe and I’ve been happier for it. I’ve grown closer to my family by working at it. I reconciled with my Dad just before he died suddenly. Isn’t that lucky?
Sure, there are places I’ve never been, sites I would love to see, experiences yet to be had. But, I don’t pine for these things. I don’t feel like I’m missing out or that somehow my life is unfulfilled because I never made it to Alaska or Africa. I don’t have a bucket list. I think Dorothy had it right when she said, “There’s no place like home.”
I love my life now and plan to keep making it the life I want until I die however near or faraway that day may be.